i have a lot of emotions and thoughts swirling around inside me lately. things have been happening in the most resent today's that has been throwing me back to many yesterdays.
some throwbacks are good. they remind me that God has been most blessed and loving to me when i least deserved it. Words from my Lord's letter have been reminding me of times in the past when the black and white seemed to lift off the page and become stamped on my heart. i claimed these words as meant for me. and still to this day return to those lines again and again.
some remembrances come with dread and memories of times when those i love most were almost like strangers. when i was powerless to do anything at all and yet it was required of me to be the strong one. to be the leader. to be the mover of events and the net holding my little family together, yet my heart was a crumbled mess tumbling around inside me.
the two types of memories have been coming to me in a tangled mess. it is impossible to remember the hard days without recalling the lovingkindnesses of my Father. yet also, it is burden to bring back the blessings in times past because they are riddled with pain and grief. grief and pain that has felt more fresh lately due to possibilities that are minuscule; yet, not impossible.
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples.
Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;
Speak of all His wonders.
Glory in His holy name;
Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad.
Seek the Lord and His strength;
Seek His face continually.
Remember His wonders which He has done,
His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth,"
words i read today by "coincidence", but meant the world to me almost exactly 2 years ago. these were my chemo verses, for the days when my husband felt like someone else. these were my laboring verses, while i waiting 3 days for my body to bring me the little one i was carrying.
and today i'm running back to these verses.
history may repeat it's self. then again, it may never happen again. and both of those statements are bringing me to my knees in tears.
today is an average day in events, but within my emotions it is filled with tormenting waves of possibilities that hang over my head and threaten to break me into a million little shards. the waiting feels as though it may strangle me, day after day, just waiting for something or nothing to happen.
we wait for the test results. the follow up to routine check up that was a hair weird. and even though the doctor is 99% sure it's nothing, we can't ignore that 1% that threatens to be something.
i wait month after month for that little stick to give me 2 lines instead of 1. they told us that we won't have any more. but i still get my hopes up every month, second guessing nothings and counting days and crossing my fingers. and yet every month the answer is the same. 1 stupid line.
i am frail and weak and simple. my God is strong and powerful and complex. He knows my inner struggles. He knows that some days i do not have the strength to smile in front of others because my heart is so heavy. He will give me His Words; and listen closely to my confessions; and bring my heart into His own and comfort this little child who has wound herself up into a tizzy over things that might or might not be. and whatever comes, it will be from Him. and it will be good. because He is Good.
He will give me songs to sing... (Psalm 104:33) "I will sing to the Lord as long as i live; I will sing praise to my God while i have my being." ... and with that, i think words to speak as well. those words will be full of thankfulness to Him so that others will not hear about my hard days, but will continually hear about my great God!
He will guide my thoughts... (Psalm 104:34) "Let my meditation be pleasing to Him; As for me, I shall be glad in the Lord." ... the 2 go together. when my thoughts are right about the Lord, my heart will be glad. it will be very glad because i will remember how faithful my God is, how enormous His power is, how loving He is to me day in and day out, how much patience He shows me, how merciful He continues to be, and how perfect He is in every aspect of His character.
so i will live my life for the glory of my Father. there will be hard days now and then, but the over whelming theme of my life shall be the gladness that He gives me. so forgive me while today i hide away and grieve these things that might or might not come to pass. tomorrow will be a new day, and i will be glad.
"Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad."